Insomnia (insomnia) wrote,

This new old experiment is not going entirely as I hoped for.

So,  It's not even two days since my last post, and already I have two things I wanted to write about in detail, but don't feel entirely comfortable about writing here, dealing with love, sex, personal kinks, friendship, respect... and the obliquely-implied, silently-whispered ways in which they all connect to each other.


(Well, three if you count the cute barista who reminds me of a slash version of Capt. Jack Harkness.)

...and now that I am back, I start checking through people's LJ posts again, only to find that Jacob A. has stopped writing on LJ just recently, and is kind of on-the-run... though I guess it can be said that he is arguably running *to* places as much as running away from others.  What I think concerns me more is not the chance of someone doing something bad to him -- though it is certainly possible -- but the costs to him, of having to live that way.

*also sadmaking*

Things I am thinking of...

-  I feel blessed -- and cursed -- to know so many exceptional people, oftentimes on the bleeding edge of society.  (I wonder whether they all know how special they are? I wonder if they realize that they're far more attractive than I am?!) 

-  When Allen Ginsburg wrote about having seen the best minds of his generation destroyed by madness, he was in his late 20s, talking about his close, personal friends.  

-  Sometimes, it's got to be really convenient to be "normal", and not to care too much, feel too much, love too much, want too much, and wish for impossible highly improbable things.

-- This.
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Does ANYone feel normal ? Is that even possible ?
I do know some people with low intensity levels for everything. Very convenient as you put it. Comfortable. But then again, are they getting much out of life ?
dude, what happened to "fuck you"? write about it anyway :) it's your journal!

seems pretty "normal" to long for things you don't have :) grass is always greener and whatnot.
I did write about it to some extent. But that said, there will probably always be some things I hold back to not hurt others. I know the significance of what I write to me, which counts far more about how transparent it is for everyone else.

Being completely open about everything is a work-in-progress, and isn't always appropriate. The more important thing, to me, is that I am writing about myself and for myself, and that it's beneficial to the process, so to speak.
IOW, even if its "obliquely-implied, silently-whispered", it's still written down to and for me. And that's a start.

Really, it's actually kind of a dicey thing for me to think of others reading this. I think that's been part of the problem. Frankly, I have been thinking of simply turning comments off entirely, if only because it might make it easier for me to write what I want without thinking as much about other people's judgments or feelings.