Hi, I'm Republican senator Larry Craig, and I just wanted you to know that I'm *NOT* gay.
Ignore what that undercover officer said about my behavior in that men's bathroom in the Minneapolis/St. Paul Airport, because I, Larry Craig, am *NOT* gay. Just ask my friends!
Sure, I tapped my foot a couple times. How was I to know that it was a known signal for people who cruise bathrooms? Do you really think I read this kind of stuff? Bathroom cruising is a myth... and I'm *NOT* gay!
So, I stuck my hand under the stall, my leg went under his stall, I touched his foot... but I have a wide stance when I'm going to the bathroom, even when I don't wipe or flush! I don't lie to police officers, even the ones I accuse of soliciting me for gay sex -- not that I would've known how one man might solicit another man in a public restroom at the time I accused the officer -- and I'm *NOT* gay!
Admittedly, I did plead guilty. But I take it back! I'm innocent! And you can trust me not to lie to you, because I'm *NOT* gay! And even if I were gay, the ACLU says I'm innocent. Now, I want to let my constituents in Idaho that I still oppose the ACLU and everything they stand for, such as the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. I would hope that my fellow Republicans won't hold the ACLU's support against me, because my opinion on this matter hasn't changed one whit, and I'm still *NOT* gay.
If I were gay, I would've let my constituents in Idaho and the members of the press know I was arrested, rather than trying to avoid appearing in court and keeping it silent... but I knew it wouldn't be any big deal to them, because I'm *NOT* gay!
And sure, there was that accusation last year before all this happened, accusing me of having sex in public bathrooms, and yes, it was supposedly vouched for by three men who didn't know each other, but don't believe the gay agenda's lies that have been floating around for years, because I'm *NOT* gay! And you can tell I'm *NOT* gay, because I have been openly denying it since 1982. Repeatedly, even! I mean, if I were gay, would speak out so often about improper sexual relations? Would I vote against rights for homosexuals? I don't think so.
I'm Larry Craig, I'm *NOT* gay, and I approve this message!