Insomnia (insomnia) wrote,
Insomnia
insomnia

Thoughts on the new Harry Potter book.

Boo. I didn't like it much at all. The characters were stupid and ultimately irredeemable. I'm starting to root for Lord Voldemort now...

- Security at Hogwart's must sure be lax when the bad guys are communicating using the same method as the good guys used in book five. You'd think that Dumbledore would've put a halt to it, if only to prevent cheating on tests.

- You know you're a lousy magician when you drink a luck potion and you still can't hit the broad side of a barn. You know you *really* suck when the other side accidentally kills one of their own people. Obviously they weren't drinking luck potions, so what's *your* excuse?!

- If you happen to have a particularly nasty house elf available, and if the opportunity ever presents itself, don't let your friends get poisoned. Make sure that the house elf drinks the poison instead.

- If you're one of those house elf liberation movement freaks, you could always have your familiar drink poison for you, especially if they're immune to death anyway... or you could simply summon forth a few extra goblets.

- If one stone from a goat's belly comes in useful, think of how smart it might be to actually carry a spare on you when you go adventuring, just in case.

- When a kid wants to kill the guy who killed their parents at birth, don't feed him some bullshit line about how his motives are pure and driven by love. Even dark lords understand revenge.

- Cho Chang was a mysterious, ellusive, exotic, smart, refreshingly unconventional, sexy romantic interest for Harry Potter, whereas Jenny Weasley should be a popular if somewhat conventional romantic interest for pedophiles.

- If you're a disarmed wizard, be aware that you have a familiar you can always call to assist you, capable of attacking your enemies or at least fetching you your wand.

- When faced by a weak, indecisive opponent, don't wait around for their reenforcements to arrive. Grab the wand out of their hand, give them a good thrashing, and then get the hell out of there.

- If you need to know something about the previous owner of a mysterious book, try getting it appraised so you know how old it is, or learn to cast some kind of appropriate spell. If you're a bookworm, how hard should it be to tell a twenty or thirty-year-old book from a fifty or sixty year old one anyway?! Follow up on your research, especially when there are only a handful of possible candidates. Don't wait months. Above all, don't wait until after the bad guys have killed and/or wounded your friends before you tell them that you knew who the bad guy was the whole time, or they may decide to hang you by your feet from the nearest whomping willow, to be used as a pinata.

- Learn tact, diplomacy, guile, and the art of the deal. Don't be a beligerent asshole who pisses off important politicians, causing divisions between them and the wizard you're supposed to be loyal to. If you were so loyal to them in the first place, you'd think you'd tell them about the mysterious book you posess.

- If you want to teach a student private lessons in order to help him survive a grave threat, think of the benefits that would accrue from doing so for more than five or ten minutes at a time, every other month.

- What does R.A.B. stand for? Smart money is on "Regulus A. Black", Sirius's brother, who left the Death Eaters and was killed on Voldemort's orders. The A. is presumably short for the name of a star, as is used in the Black family names, with the likely candidate being Alphard, the name of Sirius Black's uncle. Then again, there is an outside chance that R.A.B. could also stand for "Return A Book".

Maybe it's just me, but when stupid people die, I'm particularly unmoved. Darwin won!
Subscribe
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 7 comments