Insomnia (insomnia) wrote,
Insomnia
insomnia

When second best is still too expensive...

...it's time to ChooseFresno.com!

I recently found out about the "Choose Fresno" website when I was at the local movie theatres. Seeing the words...

"Choose Fresno"


displayed across the widest movie screen in the South Bay was easily one the funniest things I'd seen in the theatres for quite some time.

From their website:
"Fresno County is a cultural oasis in the Central Valley . . . The Valley's diverse culture is reflected in the county's galleries and museums . . . Located in California's fertile, heavily traveled San Joaquin Valley, Fresno County is the regional hub for business and industry . . . With major market access, competitive costs, abundant labor, and cost-saving incentives, Fresno County is a strategic location for any company and poised to meet the demands of the new economy."

Yes, Fresno! Population 427,652. A city as geographically large as Atlanta, but which still has that small town charm, Fresno is known for its historical landmarks.


Featuring scenic vistas of tantalizingly distant, much nicer places... some of the time.


...and friendly neighbors who share their posessions generously with others.

Famous Facts:
Fresno is the hometown of freerepublic.com, one of the nation's largest and most virulently rightwing websites. When Free Republic planned a large picnic in Fresno, dozens of Free Republic's members started replying to the picnic post, issuing a stream of threats against any minorities who might consider attending. The city, upon finding out about these threats, promptly revoked the group's license for the picnic for violating the city charter, with one city employee saying that the site showed signs of being a "hate group". In retaliation, the owner of Free Republic mobilized their users to bombard the Fresno city government with emails and phone calls, and launched a lawsuit against the city. The city of Fresno, not wanting to endure such a hassle or an expensive legal battle, fired the employee, and settled out of court for $60,000.

What people are saying about Fresno:
"Depressing..." - Fodor's Travel Guides. The only city in California to receive such an honor.

"leads the nation..." *
* In arson, car theft, child poverty, air pollution, water pollution, per capita bankruptcy filings, and needle-related drug crimes.

"This is not some arcane dispute about cow gases. We are talking about a public health crisis. It's not funny to joke about cow burps and farts when one in six children in Fresno schools is carrying an inhaler." - Brent Newell, an attorney for the Center on Race, Poverty & the Environment, on Fresno's methane-rich air pollution

"What a depressing shithole. . . Endless miles of strip malls and women with big hair." - Craptowns.com

"You still think you’re living. But you’re not. No one lives in Fresno. - William Michaelian

"A centrepiece of polluted and dusty farmlands, surrounded by impoverished communities of exploited, undocumented foreign labor living in horrid conditions on miserly wages whilst the rich dine on fresh "mache" in posh restaurants." - Craptowns.com

"I'd probably need to get a penicillin shot before I even went there." - Fuckthatjob.com

"If you happen to pass through Fresno, feel free to throw all of your litter out of the car . . . Go ahead, that's what Fresno's for." - anonymous

Fresno sucks because that is it's nature. That's it. That's the whole story. Yes, we have fucked up politicians, pollution, arson, very bad drivers, Bush supporters, and other assorted morons, idiots and asshats. But to truly understand Why Fresno Sucks, you really have to experience it for yourself (NOT RECOMMENDED)." - Femme Fatale Blog

"The type of town where once you've masturbated the whole day is shot." - Drake Sather

"I never knew a whole town could have Down syndrome." - Drake Sather

"California's extra chromosome." - Slim Rivets

"There's no way it's worse than Bakersfield..." - feedle.net

"Choose Fresno. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose polluted air, land, and water. Choose extreme poverty and generic stripmall luxury. Choose a fucking big television. Choose a filthy orange skyline. Choose garbage, broken washing machines, and cars on blocks. Choose the best of the worst. Choose a crappy home in the middle of nowhere. Choose your idiot coworkers in a deadend job. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing sprit- crushing television from somewhere more beautiful, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, leaving nothing of value to your kids, who are left to live in Fresno too. Choose your future. Choose Fresno... But why would I want to do a thing like that?"

Latest fun Fresno facts!:

- Fresno's mayor, Alan Autry, is best known as playing redneck Officer Bubba on the television series In the Heat of the Night. Nowadays, He is commonly referred to as Mayor Bubba.

- Police made multiple arrests recently in a suspected gangrape of an 11-year-old by as many as eight Fresno college football players... so I guess there is something to do in Fresno after all.

- There's a Xanga blogring for Fresno users, appropriately entitled "Fresno Really Sucks".

- Read up on Fresno's native son, Marcus Wesson. He's one badass, twisted, serial-killing freak.

- Perhaps you remember the time shortly after actress Anne Heche seperated from partner Ellen DeGeneres, when Heche was found wandering through a city, ranting incoherently to the locals, and had to be hospitalized? That city? Fresno, California. You know you're a f*cked up mess, when you...

Political update:
Republican Candidate for Governor of CA, Meg Whitman, had these choice words to say:
"Fresno looks like Detroit. It's awful."

Of course, she's wrong. Detroit can be surprisingly green and lush. Sure, both cities deserve to be bulldozed... but if you bulldoze Fresno, it wouldn't become green and lush. It would just blow away in the wind, eventually.
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