iceblink and noressa... but at the same time, I have a bit of sadness that things with some of my friends aren't the way they used to be. I miss the warmth of some of the old gatherings, and the fires out on the back patio. It would be nice to recapture a bit of that, but I'm not sure how easy that would be given some of the changing relationship dynamics amongst my friends. One of the occasionally sad things about being involved in the polyamorous community is that there's a higher potential for instability in relationships, hurt feelings, sad partings, and social divisions, with friendships often getting caught in the middle of it all. A lot of those who are polyamorous try vigorously -- and unconvincingly -- to deny these facts, or at least argue that it doesn't have to be this way. The assumption is that there's an ideal way to practice polyamory where everyone gets along and nobody ever gets hurt.
That's complete bullshit, of course.
Whether relationships are composed of two people or ten, lasting relationships take work. They take love. They take friendship. They take communication. They take a high level of determination, acceptance, and perseverence... and sometimes, they take a certain degree of faith. Not blind faith, really, but faith in the knowledge that as bad as things can be at any given moment, the trust you have in the other person(s) will be justified, and that things will get better.
Not every person has these skills... I would argue that most people don't. Working on them can potentially help your relationships, no matter what the relationship dynamic is, but it can only get you so far. Similarly, not every relationship dynamic reflects the aforementioned qualities either. I've seen groups of people with good communication skills fail to communicate with each other simply because their chemistry wasn't good or their philosophies were fundamentally incompatible.
Clearly, the repercussions of failed relationships are there even for the most experienced. Infact, sometimes those who are more experienced hold their relationships to dogmatic standards that are considerably higher -- and harder to obtain -- than those who are less experienced in relationships. (This goes a long way to explain why psychologists and self-help gurus often seem unable to make their relationships last.)
This isn't to say that there aren't costs for other relationship models. It's just a statement of fact that nobody is entirely immune.
So, "Is it all worth it?" For many, it is. For some, it can be tragic at times. And so is love.
I stumbled upon this song recently. It reminds me of the past, and of prices paid.
"Tea & Sympathy"
Janis Ian
"I don't want to ride the milk train anymore
I'll go to bed at nine and waken with the dawn
And lunch at half past noon and dinner prompt at five
The comfort of a few old friends long past their prime
Pass the tea and sympathy for the good old days long gone
We'll drink a toast to those who most believe in what they've won
It's a long, long time 'til morning plays wasted on the dawn
And I'll not write another line, for my true love is gone
When the guests have gone, I'll tidy up the rooms
And turn the covers down, and gazing at the moon
Will pray to go quite mad and live in long ago
When you and I were one, so very long ago
Pass the tea and sympathy for the good old days long gone
We'll drink a toast to those who most believe in what they've won
It's a long, long time 'til morning plays wasted on the dawn
And I'll not write another line, for my true love is gone
When I have no dreams to give you anymore
I'll light a blazing fire and wait within the door
And throw my life away, "I wonder why?" they all will say
And now I lay me down to sleep, forever and a day
Pass the tea and sympathy, for the good old days are dead
Let's drink a toast to those who best survived the life they've led
It's a long, long time 'til morning, so build your fires high
Now I lay me down to sleep, forever by your side"
