Insomnia (insomnia) wrote,

Iraq: Do not try this at home!

I got this off of the journal of a soldier I know... it's a good indicator of what it's like over there.


1. Sleep on a cot in the garage.

2. Replace the garage door with a curtain (ie poncho liner)

3. Two hours after you go to sleep, have your wife/girlfriend/whatever whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble "Sorry, wrong cot."

4. Hang a green plastic sheet down the middle of your bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level. Keep four inches of cold soapy water on the floor.

5. When you take a shower, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.

6. Buy a trash compactor and use it only once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.

7. Stop cleaning the toilet and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself. For a more realistic experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbor's. Choose a neighbor who lives at least a 1/4 mile away.

8. Every time there's a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and dump dirt on your head.

9. Leave a lawn mower running in your living room 24 hours a day.

10. Have the paper boy give you a haircut.

11. Set your alarm clock to go off at random time during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate that there's no hot water by running out into your yard and using the garden hose.

12. Once a month take a major appliance completely apart and put it back together again.

13. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one than was selected by majority vote.

14. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on "high"

15. Use eighteen scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six hours before drinking.

16. Invite at least 185 people you don't really like because of their strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple months. Mix laundry loads and exhange clothes with them.

17. Have a flourescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read.

18. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either stumble or hit your head every time you pass through.

19. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your nightstand and bring it to the bathroom with you along with a gun and a flashlight.

20. Go to the bathroom when you only have to fart, "just in case."

21. Wash only fifteen items of laundry a week. Roll up the semi-wet clean clothes into a ball. Place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the garage where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or removing mildew, wear them to professional meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look or smell like.

22. Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it's for malaria.

23. Demand each family member be limited to ten minutes per week for a moral phone call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.

24. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and fragmentation.

25. While traveling down roads in your car stop at each overpass and culvert and inspect them for IEDs before proceeding.

26. Fire off 50 cherry bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 3am. When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well, you're just registering mortars.

27. Spread 4 inches gravel throughout your house and yard.

28. Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover in the back yard. Complain that the 4x4s are not on center and make them rebuild.

29. When your five year old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact stick of gum and flavor he wants on the internet and print out the web page. Type up a form and staple the web page on the back. Submit the paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your kid the gum.

30. Wait for the coldest/hottest day of the year and announce to your family that there will be no heat/AC that day so you can perform much-needed maintenance on the heater/AC unit. Tell them you are doing this so they won't get cold/hot.

31. Put your entire house on a generator and turn it off during the heat of the day so even your fans won't work because the generator "overheated."

32. Get a plastic grocery bag as your NBC mask (Nuclear Biological Chemical) and every time your clock chimes the hour put it over your head for 10 minutes because there is an attack.

33. Buy a camouflage sport coat. Line it with full sandbags. Cut a hole in the roof of your car. Have your kid stand in the hole with a water pistol and "protect the convoy." Drive to Death Valley without using your A/C. Stay there overnight but never take off your sport coat.

34. Have everyone send you mail at the parcel post rate so it takes 3.5 weeks to get to you.

35. Walk around your neighborhood with a blowhorn announcing the latest terror threat level and tell them to stay inside a hardened building (wearing their sport coats and kevlar).

36. Go to the most crime-infested place you can find, heavily armed, wearing your sport coat with full sand bags, and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.

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