I used to write it off to fear of death, but I realize that it's not so simple anymore. It seems to me that everyone's spirit wants to find a home... wants to find itself... wants to find contentment.
Well, I've never been content with anything. Not this world, not the status quo
...and certainly not with what I did in life. Well, now, after all this time, it seems like I am much more in touch with my inner voice than ever, which has allowed me to put my thoughts into action. I feel like an arrow, let loose, traveling unerringly upon its arc.
Predestination. Kismet. Fate... I guess if you like where you are going, a certain kind of inevitability sets in. You see your life spread out before you. You become an act of the deity in motion... the hand of Allah. The feeling is powerful, comforting, and it feels, perhaps, a bit empowering. Falling into that mindset would make me so sure of myself, so confident, so comfortable... it would be quite easy, really. It is that kind of belief that comforts the believers... that actually makes strongly religious and spiritual people live statistically longer than others. No worries...
...but I can't help but feel that it is a trap. Nothings certain. I can't afford to believe that I am any one thing, or anything at all... I need to be free to be everything!
It may be arrogant of myself to believe, but I have to believe it for my own good. If I am an arrow fired into the air, I was the one who nocked the arrow... it was I who drew the bow... and it was I who aimed true... aiming at the person I wanted to be at some point in the future. I released, letting myself go upon this course. Rather than rely on anything I adopted from society or that feels external to myself, I must, in some sense, become my own god.
