Insomnia (insomnia) wrote,

The best of the worst Christmas music ever.

I was wondering what kind of gift to give everyone out there in LJ land for Christmas, so I figured I would create the definitive post on bad Christmas music for all of you. Prepare yourself for DEEP HURTING!

While some might nominate Tiny Tim for one of his several Christmas tunes off of his Christmas album, such as "The Christmas Song" or "All I Want for Christmas", he was always so good at being so bad and so strange and so... different... that it's hard not to love him for it. Merry Christmas, Tiny Tim, wherever you are.

You see, Tiny Tim was intentionally eccentric and odd, and that is what made him great, whereas bad Christmas music is just plain *BAD*. "Don't Let the Dogs Bite Santa", for instance, is truely bad in a completely unredeeming way. Not half as good as the rap version of "We Three Kings", which is still arguably crap.

Jim Nabors seemed like the nicest guy in the world. So nice, infact, that none of his friends ever bothered to tell him not to sing. We wish they had.

It's impossible to mention bad Christmas music without pointing out these two compilations (1, 2 ) of horrific and painful Christmas songs.

As Tiny Tim has shown us, kitsch can make bad music good again. However, does this song from RuPaul really count, or was it simply unnecessary?! Then again, there's also this interesting rendition of "Winter Wonderland"...

I'm sure you've always wondered what happens when you combine polka, mariachi, and a bad Beatles cover and make it into a Christmas song. Well, it sounds something like "Alleluia" from Joe Pat Paterek and His International Polka Stars.

Would you like something flat for Christmas? How about John 'Bowtie' Barstow singing "Joy to the World"? Doesn't get any flatter.

Some people have simple wishes for Christmas. Gayla Peevey has something slightly bigger in mind, however.

Did you know that Jon Bon Jovi did a Christmas song when he was just a kid? "R2 D2, We Wish You a Merry Christmas" Hardly a promising start. Amazingly enough, his music got even worse later on in his career.

"Santa Claus is Coming to Town"... in a spacy, scary kind of way. My brain is starting to hurt from doing this list, perhaps. I don't know what to make of this version of "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer", except to say that it should never be played back-to-back with the last track. It especially shouldn't be followed by the Portsmouth Sinfonia version of "The Dance of the Sugarplum Fairy". My brain go explodey.

It probably hasn't been said enough during the holiday season, but I just wanted to mention that Cindy Brady must die.

Sure, there are lots of meowing, barking, and clucking Christmas tunes, but The Jingle Babies "Up On The Roof Top" has a horror all its own. Just goes to show you that animals are cuter than humans.

Or maybe not. Here's someone doing Porky Pig doing "Blue Christmas"...

While some find it bad, I can't help but appreciate most everything off of "Oy To The World - A Klezmer Christmas" by the Klezmonauts. Here's a full mp3 of the title track. I especially dig their version of "Jingle Bells".

Sheila Samuel is a Christian musician of Hindi decent who tries to bring the joy of Christmas music to others in his native tongue. He fails. Badly. That's not to say that Europe has been spared, however. Someone decided that a French version of the "Little Town Rap" wasn't enough, so they did a version in German and Spanish too. To be fair though, these versions were made for people learning languages, so I suspect it wasn't done to intentionally polute their cultures; they just hate Americans.

Dance fans can get down with the "Rocking Disco Santa". Or not. Your choice.

Can Christmas get any more tasteless? Yes, Virginia... it can.

OH. MY. GOD. Though uncredited, the mounting horror of this version of "O Holy Night" is indescribable. Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner!


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