October 30th, 2006


Public Grasping Threatens Chaos in Chinese Heartland!

Heroic Chinese police officers cracked down on the organizers behind a campaign encouraging public grasping, arresting the organizers before things could get out of control and spread the decadent Western "viral meme".

Despite the fact that some of the organizers reported publically grasping over twenty victims in a single minute, a SARS outbreak was apparently averted in the nick of time, thanks to the prompt actions of the brave policemen, who immediately and courageously threw themselves on top of a unexpected potential disease-spreading vector at great personal risk, as adequate protective biohazard gear was not immediately available.  

"Public grasping clearly spreads disease, and its practicioners should be isolated, sanitized, and kept somewhere where they cannot pose a danger to the revolution," said Dr. Liu Feng Chang, who judged the danger taken by participants as "substantial" and "terrifying". Indeed, Dr. Liu Feng Chang of the X'ian Institute theorizes that in the approximately 70 minute time period between when the organizers commenced grasping people in public and when they were isolated, removed, and quarantined, the pourous garments of the huggers most likely obtained a level of viral contamination over ten times greater than that of an average public toilet.
The doctor indicated that there hasn't been adequate medical investigation of the potential dangers of grasping others in public, but that there was some anecdotal evidence to suggest that public grasping could result in a potential fire imbalance and a resultant blockage in the flow of Ying chi, which could potentially explain the death of Dr. Leo Buscaglia, an aging, lascivious practicioner of "Western medicine" who preyed upon his "new age" followers by groping them in public. Despite outward signs of healthiness, Dr. Buscaglia died from an unexplained heart explosion on June 12, 1998, shortly before Taiwan's Great Enterovirus Outbreak of 1998. 

There is also a considerable danger in cross-species grasping, which can provide a convenient vector for animal diseases to spread between humans and wildlife. "They may look soft, but it is dangerous to grasp animals, especially pandas and birds. Animals are best when they are properly butchered and cooked at appropriately high temperatures under sanitary conditions . . . even the soft, fluffy ones," said the doctor.