March 12th, 2004

fashionable

"Pardon me, but would you remove your finger from my asshole please?"

"I like to make people laugh," said 17-year-old football player Jordan Akins, when justifying his unapproved attempt at insertion of his digits into his fellow student's rectums in the high school locker room.

'cause nothing is more humorous than an unlubed finger sliding up your asshole!

Akins avoided 15 years in a "pound me in the ass" prison, because apparently sexual assault isn't sexual assault if it happens amongst football players in a high school locker room. That said, I think we need some kind of "juvenile jock asshole" law to resolve stupid, antisocial acts such as these.

Want to really reduce youth crime? Stop throwing kids in prison to do adult time (which they do not generally merit nor fully understand the implications of) and cut to the chase... sentence them to nonstop broadcasts of educational programming, interspersed with pop quizzes. Those who fail to improve their scores get safety-monitored ass poundings by longtime felons. I guarantee you a reduction in crime and a quick turnaround in rehabilitation of smalltime criminals.