December 3rd, 2001


rebel rebel.

Hey kids... Do you live near San Francisco? Are your parents divorced? Do you hate them for ruining your life and want to rebel against them, but can't think of a way to do so? I mean, it's San Francisco -- you could get a sex change operation and genital piercings, and your parents would probably feel like they need to support you. They might even join PFLAG...

The answer is to grow up to be a >gasp!< conservative... that'll piss them off. But not just a arrogant, pompous, spinmeister of a conservative; that's been done. Besides, your parents sold out their ideals in the '80s anyways, and they'd secretly like you to get rich so they don't have to help you pay off your student loans. Here... try this.

To start with, change your religion. Try Islam. This will only temporarily confuse your parents, who used to be Cat Stevens fans. Quick, push the limits before they start to accept you. If you are a female, you could ask your parents for a loan so you can afford to get your clitoris surgically removed. If you are a male, however, you could change your name to Abdul Hamid, run off to Afghanistan, and fight for the Taliban. Won't your parents be surprised when you finally make it on to CNN?!

This has "Made for TV movie" written all over it...

on birthdays, learning, and healing.

I woke up today feeling like I would never get completely over this cold, but I've been taking good care of myself today, so I'm feeling better. I want to beat back this bug before tomorrow, so I'm healthy on my birthday. Not sure what to do tomorrow, however. Tuesdays are so inauspicious, otherwise I would plan something. I was debating the merits of going to bi coffee w/ Kirsten... or going to Kiva... or going to both. The both idea sounds really good right about now. Hot tubs in general sound really good. Mmmmm. Warm water. Steam. Mmmmm.

The coffees have become more interesting to me since most of the people there are actually on LiveJournal, allowing me to bypass the surface and peek in on the internal thoughts of the people around me. That, and I feel like I can actually learn from a few people there, strangely enough. (How foolish of me to think only of expanding my social circle, never giving a thought to learning from the experience...)

Learning has become critical to me on several levels lately; I'm tired of making my own mistakes - I'd rather learn from someone elses. If you don't learn, you don't adapt... and things start withering around you. It's hard for me to learn from others, even when there is a common element shared amongst everyone - I'm just too shy and introverted at times, which leads to a spiral effect. Shyness -> no meaningful communication -> feelings of rejection -> insecurities -> shyness... lather, rinse, repeat.

I feel very exposed lately, but I think its a good thing. My life is very compartmentalized between my work, my creative side, my personal life, my inner thoughts. It just takes too much f*cking energy to try to be so many different people. I need to learn to survive without the shell. At the same time, I just feel so raw right now. I don't need or want the world to love me, but a few signs of sincere connection, empathy, and acceptance from the right people would definitely help. It's so hard to find that connection at times, but the most effective learning requires it, as do the best friendships.

Is it me, or is healing just the act of sharing knowledge on some level, manifested through a connection? In that sense, I want to make sure I have those connections with others. I want to heal and be healed. In other words, I need someone to help me work on my bedside manner...