I'm not getting paid for it or anything, but it still feels vaguely intimidating. Although I worked as a deejay for years, promoted a lot of bands, and managed an indie record store, I still don't think of myself as a professional. I mean, I did all that stuff for fun. It's not like I should be suddenly sweating the exposure either. I mean, my humble journal probably gets more readers than their entire site, for all I know. Still, my journal is very reassuring... it doesn't feel like putting something out to other people, it feels like me talking to myself. I'm sharing my inner dialog, basically.
So, I guess this makes me part of the "music press", right?! Yep, that's me. A tool of the system and sworn enemy to musicians everywhere.
It's truly frustrating to me that I've never dated a musician. It would be cool to sleep in, wrestle around in bed all morning, and work on some music together. I would have liked to date Betsy Martin - I was so attracted to her, but she was too old for me at the time. Sigh... it probably wouldn't work anyway - I've never cared much for pot smoke in my home and bands seem to attract excessive amounts of it. I'd probably do far better with one of those depressed, angsty female writers who drink scotch or whiskey. I'd've loved Dorothy Parker.
It's silly for me to talk about dating. Since when have I ever dated someone anyway? I don't date. I've hung out a bit, screwed a reasonable amount, but dating?! Hah. The funny thing is, I'm more open to the concept of dating now than when I was younger. I'm also open to the idea of dating a musician, a writer, or an artist, even if they had a bit of notoriety. These, incidentally, are the very sorts of people who I would have been terrified at getting involved with when I was younger, precisely because I was in awe of their talents. Now, however, they're the people who would interest me and challenge me to grow.
Hm. Nick was involved with Lydia Lunch. There are only two or three things I envy about Nick. One is/was Lydia. I love the way she talks and the words that fall out of her mouth. The other is where he lives. The third would be that he seems to exist at street level. Part of me says that Lydia Lunch would be my type, but that I'd bore her to tears... or piss her off to no end.
Sometimes I feel like Damiel (the angel) from Wings of Desire, staring down at the people below, always the observer, never at street level. I know it's not always true, but it still feels that way. I should move to San Francisco. Anything for a real city. It might be loud, dirty, filthy... but I could appreciate that. Maybe I would feel motivated enough to walk down the street in a trenchcoat in the morning and get a coffee. Maybe it wouldn't feel so generic anymore. Either way, it would probably help me get out more often.