Insomnia (insomnia) wrote,

bring out your dead.

Yes, another depressing post. Deal.

Kirsten is still in a lot of pain, plus she has had other ailments on top of her broken arm/wrist. Yesterday, she had something with her medicine that really killed her stomach and made her sick. Today, she's having a migraine. I was hoping to take her out for Thai soup and then a double feature at the Towne, but no such luck. She's just not up to it. She's also just about out of one of her prescriptions and will need to go in to the doctor's soon to renew it. (A pain in the arse, under the circumstances.) Meanwhile, my best friend is inconsolably depressed, as it appears his long distance relationship is falling apart. He's studying law in Bumfuck, Arkansas, doesn't know anyone there, and has no support system, so to speak. I have done and will continue to do what I can, but only he can choose to deal with his depression. I hope he does, because I don't need another emotional kick in the crotch.

Meanwhile, my mother is having her mind eaten away slowly by a terminal disease. I was going to visit her in February, but with Kirsten out of commission, I doubt that will happen. Also, I just got an email from my sister. My grandfather in England (who is in his late 90's and who I care about very much but never get a chance to see) just broke his hip. Given his age and how severe breaking a hip can be, I suspect he may die within the next few months. I would love to see him again, but I don't think I ever will.

Financially, I will survive... but emotionally, I feel battered and bruised. As if my current situation weren't difficult enough, I am also trying to help people I care about. It feels like I am trying to rescue people who are drowning, only to find them kicking, flailing, gasping for air, and unintentionally pulling me down too. I'll manage, however. I'm supposed to be the Rock of Gibraltar, after all... or maybe I'm just a bad weather friend.

Yes, I know that things will get better, but I also know it won't truly get better for quite some time and that people I care for will die along the way. It was hard enough losing my dad when it happened, but I'm not ready to lose my mother and my grandfather. Both of them very much like me in their own ways. Very smart, technical, and built of equal parts flesh and stone. Smart, self-reliant, exceptional people.

Right now I feel like fractured stone, like rusted steel, like cracked concrete. I feel so old, entropy setting in all around me. I feel grey. I feel cursed. Death has invited those I care about over for tea, serving us all with the finest china and stirring in our sugar and milk with one bony finger. I shouldn't be feeling that life is a waiting game for bad news, but I know that it will come soon - I just don't know the when and where of it all. When it does come, it will come with a muffled thud, padded with the distance of many miles. Maybe if I view it abstractly enough, I will somehow protect myself when the other shoe drops.

Everything that has been happening just makes me want to run away and start again elsewhere. Hopefully someone will kidnap me and drag me off away from all this soon, because although I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, I have a feeling this will be a particularly long and dark tunnel for me.

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