Insomnia (insomnia) wrote,
Insomnia
insomnia

on birthdays, learning, and healing.

I woke up today feeling like I would never get completely over this cold, but I've been taking good care of myself today, so I'm feeling better. I want to beat back this bug before tomorrow, so I'm healthy on my birthday. Not sure what to do tomorrow, however. Tuesdays are so inauspicious, otherwise I would plan something. I was debating the merits of going to bi coffee w/ Kirsten... or going to Kiva... or going to both. The both idea sounds really good right about now. Hot tubs in general sound really good. Mmmmm. Warm water. Steam. Mmmmm.

The coffees have become more interesting to me since most of the people there are actually on LiveJournal, allowing me to bypass the surface and peek in on the internal thoughts of the people around me. That, and I feel like I can actually learn from a few people there, strangely enough. (How foolish of me to think only of expanding my social circle, never giving a thought to learning from the experience...)

Learning has become critical to me on several levels lately; I'm tired of making my own mistakes - I'd rather learn from someone elses. If you don't learn, you don't adapt... and things start withering around you. It's hard for me to learn from others, even when there is a common element shared amongst everyone - I'm just too shy and introverted at times, which leads to a spiral effect. Shyness -> no meaningful communication -> feelings of rejection -> insecurities -> shyness... lather, rinse, repeat.

I feel very exposed lately, but I think its a good thing. My life is very compartmentalized between my work, my creative side, my personal life, my inner thoughts. It just takes too much f*cking energy to try to be so many different people. I need to learn to survive without the shell. At the same time, I just feel so raw right now. I don't need or want the world to love me, but a few signs of sincere connection, empathy, and acceptance from the right people would definitely help. It's so hard to find that connection at times, but the most effective learning requires it, as do the best friendships.

Is it me, or is healing just the act of sharing knowledge on some level, manifested through a connection? In that sense, I want to make sure I have those connections with others. I want to heal and be healed. In other words, I need someone to help me work on my bedside manner...
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