Insomnia (insomnia) wrote,

Tis the season for doubt and self loathing

Since I feel lately like I have had to confront all sorts of issues and collectively have wanted to tell the world to f*ck off, I've decided it's time to start a doubt and self loathing meme where everyone posts about how badly they suck. We can link to each other's posts and cause this massive chain of patheticness just in time for the holidays! I will start by linking to my favorite bit of doubt and self loathing, then by spewing myself.

Then again, I doubt that I will really create a successful meme here.

People only like me for my mind, my ideas, my ideals, and occasionally my hair. Sometime, they don't even like me for that.

I'm too English in character for Americans... and probably too English even for the English. I don't even have the advantages of a really cool accent.

I'm a pasty white geek who is attached at the hip to the Internet. I'm not even a coder geek... I just have an idea of how things should work that is probably far too idealistic and may or may not be correct at times.

I have a hard enough time getting along with computers. It would be wishful thinking to think that I could actually get along with people. I can deal with people on a macro level... but I can count the number of people that I really get along with on a micro level on one hand... and probably still have a finger or two left over.

I want to believe in the good nature of man, but I probably wouldn't want to invite you into my house. You'd probably either steal from me, be someone I would grow to find irritating, or, even worse, be someone I would grow to care about shortly before you left.

If you do come over, don't expect me to play host, either. I don't do host very well. If you are lucky, you'll get a cup of tea and your choice of an unappetizing vegetarian entree. I don't like gossip either, and I don't care to listen to you gossip. If you do gossip, I will probably hop online and deal with email instead. I probably don't care to hear about your friends unless they do something really interesting... feel lucky if I care about you. Or not. You could always find a way of entertaining yourself, you know...

If we do talk, be assured that I will either bore you about the Internet, music, history, or politics. I will be verbose because I believe that the devil is in the details. I think most coders overlook the details and don't communicate. I, however, communicate about the details ad nauseum and don't code. I'm a critical bastard. If I'm not careful, I could be doomed to become a pompous old windbag... perhaps I already am one, and I don't even realize it.

I am often an insomniac. When I don't sleep enough, either I will act goofy, swear, or complain about how tired I am. I may wake up at 9 am... I may wake up at 3 pm... either way, I won't really start to wake up until, oh... right about the time you want to go to sleep.

If you want to go out, you'll have a hard time getting my enthusiasm up for any movie that isn't either decadent, perverse, or a sci-fi/fantasy blockbuster. That isn't to say I don't want to go out. I do want to. I just might be a bit apathetic and wishy-washy about it. The best way to get me to go out (or to do much of anything) is to give me a hug/kiss and to gently persuade me. I sure as hell don't respond to ultimatums. Give me an ultimatum and you can go fuck yourself right in the ear.

My idea of going out is often just going outside - in nature - where it's cold, wet, and green. Perhaps we could walk around and take pictures, even... I also tend to like going hottubbing... but generally not with men. Men can be intimidating - not that I'm not. I hear I can be very intimidating at times, as if I am judging or testing you. I probably am. Besides, most men are scum anyways. If you want me to get going anywhere, though, add on an extra 15 minutes so I can wrap up that one last email.

I try to be nice to strangers, but I don't make a habit of being overly social with them. They're generally strangers for a reason. If you're nice to me, I'll be nice to you. Favors for favors. If you aren't, fuck off and don't come back. Thank you, drive through...

I hear I would make an excellent lawyer... even though I generally hate lawyers.

I believe you have hope. I also believe you (on a macro level) are pretty fucked. You (macro) don't know your own strength. You (macro) are a bunch of tools. You (macro) scare me. That's why I am so outspoken... because I believe that if I don't get my ideas out there, you (macro) are going to fuck everything up. Knowing you (macro), you'll probably find a way to fuck everything up anyway. It's all your (macro) fault, you see...

I'd like to be able to trust you (micro) and get to know you (micro), however. Just don't disappoint me and make me lump you (micro) in with everyone else (macro)...

I use far too many dots to end my sentences...

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