Been thinking about my relationships with people. LiveJournal has done a lot to put me in touch with all sorts of people from all around the world who are uniquely special to me, many who I consider my friends, sisterspirits, muses, etc... but, in particular, several of whom I could really develop strong feelings and relationships with if distance weren't such an issue. It's hard for me to put any of these special people ahead of others, however... especially when some of the most wonderful, talented, dear people I know are so far away from me... or might as well as be.
This makes the whole concept of polyamory difficult. Even if you have actual relationships with people who are relatively close to you, that doesn't necessarily mean that you will have closer mental/emotional relationships with them as opposed to people who might, for all practical purposes, be a million miles away.
Maybe it's just me, but perhaps there is something about being able to see someone occasionally in person that just sucks the communication right out of the relationship... except for the time period you spend together. I think it's just a natural tendency to avoid frustration. Whether someone is twenty miles, two hundred miles, or two thousand light years from home, the same dynamics apply when you know that they aren't coming over anytime soon. It's frustrating...
Often, it's hard to concentrate on what I need to do in life, largely because my social life and my work are so intimately connected. It is hard to concentrate on one aspect without the other getting in the way... I wish I had a good answer for this, but I don't.
That's the frustration I guess I am dealing with. On an emotional level, I feel like I am being pulled in twenty different directions at once, and all of them, while having their moments of happiness, have a strong undercurrent of sadness and loneliness. As a result, I tend to pull back from everyone... except Kirsten. She's there for me, I'm there for her, and I can't begin to tell you how good that is. Still, I wish she weren't the only one.
I am polyamorous, but perhaps I am polyfidelitous at heart... I like people being there for me, and I like being there for other people. I wish I were surrounded by those I care for, but it is one of those wishes that never materialize. At least we have our journals... it's comforting to know you are out there, even if you are not here.
For those of you who are friends or who I care for... if I am not there for you on some level, please try to understand and don't think it has anything to do with you or that I somehow stopped caring. You're special, and I wouldn't care for you if you weren't. I probably wouldn't feel the need to hide at times if I didn't care... because I wish you were here. If things were different, I would undoubtedly want to spend more time with you. Please, try to forgive my inability to share more of myself with you than I do -- I do it to protect myself and to provide focus to what would otherwise be a very erratic, emotionally turbulent life. I need that focus in order to do some things that really matter to me. Still, I want to let you know how much I value the time that we do share . I wish there were more. If only we had another life...
"I can't see you, but I know you're here. I feel it. You've been hanging around since I got here. I wish I could see your face, just look into your eyes and tell you how good it is to be here. Just to touch something... See -- it's cold. I feel good. Here: to smoke, have coffee. And if you do it together it's fantastic. Or, to draw. You know you take a pencil and you make a dark line, then you make a light line, and together it's a good line. Or when your hands are cold and you rub them together. See that's good, that feels good. So many good things. But you're not here... I'm here. I wish you were here. I wish you could talk to me, cause I'm a friend... companero."
- Peter Falk, "Wings of Desire"